Why does it still hurt?

I admire people who are blatantly honest with their actions and emotions. They are unapologetic about who they are, and no, it doesn’t mean they don’t express other emotions such as regret and empathy, rather they understand themselves and are confident in who they are.

So in lieu of recent events, I’ve decided to write this post for a friend. People might judge you for holding on, you may try and feebly deny it, but it’s okay to feel lost, sad and alone. I’ve personally been in both positions; the one judging and the one being judged and trust me, you live and you grow from it.

It hurts because it was important. It hurts because you allowed yourself to envision a future. It hurts because it gave you hope. It hurts because when you two collided, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned.

Your eyes were permanently crinkled at the corners from the stolen kisses in public places, the cheeky gifts because they always thought of you, and the little inside jokes (and danke memes) that were constantly exchanged. From the moment where he laughingly chased after you to the moment you cuddle one another to sleep, you both feel like the luckiest two people in the world.

But one morning it all changed.

You wake up in a disarray, vision clouded with smoke. Panicking, you glance beside you. The bed is ice cold, with no sign of him anywhere. You look around the room. The smoke has been silently advancing, it’s trails furling around your frame, entering your lungs, gripping your oesophagus, silently choking you . Fire snarls its way around the photographs of two of you, mercilessly engulfing them whole. You panic and in your hurry to get up, your legs get tangled in the sheets and you agonisingly greet the floor.

Blood gushes from the cut above your eye but it doesn’t stop you. The scathing scorch of a flame that lunges out at you doesn’t faze you. You run, stumbling into the walls, knocking over furniture, frantically searching for him. But you can’t find him anywhere in the house. With no choice, no time and only desperation left, you slam your way out of the house, battered and bruised. You watch as everything is devoured and collapses into a flecks of ash.

And still, he is not there.

Your burn mark has now healed into a light brown scar that is fading day by day. But it still doesn’t make sense to you. What could have caused the fire? Was it something you did? What moment in time led to this outcome? You went to bed just fine and when you woke up, everything was just…gone.

And that’s why it still hurts.

It hurts because you didn’t see it coming. It hurts because you couldn’t fight it. It hurts because you thought this time, things were different. It hurts because what was, could never be again.

Ultimately, it hurts because it mattered. But you survived and with time, all will heal.

Plus remember, even in this shitty real estate situation that Sydney has going on, you were smart enough to purchase insurance and soon you’ll find another place to create more memories 🙂

 

 

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