I can’t tell whether it’s the knowledge that I never have to go back to Adelaide or the fact that my mentality has improved a lot more now, but to be honest, I don’t really care.
I think I’m happy. Yeah, I think I really am.
I’ve come to the conclusion that despite knowing where I was a while ago, I wouldn’t have changed any decision. Upon reflection, given the situation where a choice was to made, I still have no regrets as I feel like did the best I could have at that time. So I guess, all of this was meant to be, and a major life lesson was to be learnt.
I don’t want to jinx things, but it seems like life is on the upswing. Sure I have a lot of doctor’s appointments lined up (my body seems to be giving up on me LOL), and sure a lot of situations still need sorting out, but in general, I’m pretty happy with where I am.
To be honest, I think I owe a lot of this to my sister. Though I wrote a pretty scathing post about her a while ago, I think I can see it from her perspective a bit more now. She’s still distant from us, my parents in particular, but she would rather suffer the consequences of being unfilial and be an objective bystander, than to be tied up in the messy relationships that still sometimes suffocates us.
She told my dad, in the longest text message I’ve ever read, some things I believe that will never leave his mind. One of the most important messages was ‘你要反思自己。你的小孩宁愿外面受委屈而不会更你说话。’ (Or something along those lines, I’m really not that eloquent in Chinese). Along with other messages, she basically called him out on the fact that though we as children are pretty fcked up, they’ve got to reflect that some fault lies with them as parents. When children would rather suffer and not talk to them in fear of judgement and lectures and possibly disownment, they’ve got a problem. But the message that probably hit the hardest was ‘你已经失去了一个女儿，我想知道还要过多久另外一个也走了’
After he received that, he couldn’t sleep. And the very next day I talked with him, really talked, for over three hours during the day, and when I got home at night, we talked again until mum yelled at us to go to bed at 4am. I did some simple calculations and that brings us to almost double digits of chatting with my dad. No yelling, no judgement, just back and forth. I’ve got to say, I feel like I’ve been missing that for a very long time.
The past couple of years have been pretty difficult. I started lying to them so much and the sick thing is, that they knew. But I continued to do it, out of fear, pride, habit, and they continued to pretend along with me, to maintain the fragile pretence of a normal family. But I got a lot of things off my chest that day and I also learnt a lot of things. I started lying because I thought I knew what their response would be, but dad said something pretty valuable,’ Though you know, let them say it. You could have guessed the first couple of reasons, but there will come one that will blindside you. From that you can grow and mature.’ A good example of that would be what I thought my father’s response to me dating my ex would have been. Though I had been right that he would not be happy, he said he would not have stopped it because it is my choice and my future happiness. He also cheekily added in (my dad fluctuates from immature 5 yr old between and stern 50 year old constantly) ‘On your birthday I said to your mum that I know that her boyfriend is somewhere downstairs with her. That’s the only reason why she’s so happy. I really wish we could go down and peek.’ and also ‘I wish I could have met him, you know I love meeting boyfriends.’ Never in my wildest imagination would I have guessed either, but then my sister did help a little by giving them a positive heads up about the guy.
The guy in question doesn’t matter. But what matters is the utter breakdown in conversation. If only I had told them from the beginning, if only my sister told me that she told them, if only they confronted me etc. etc. Things could have been so different. So from such a small example, amongst the other more important topics that I do not care to share, I’ve come to slowly conquer my fear of actually telling my parents the truth. Sure they are opinionated and more than likely give me grief for a while, but it’s better than the heart-wrenching guilt that I have every time I lie to them. And sometimes, they’ll surprise you. Like my dad did for basically every topic we talked about. It’s a massive weight off my shoulders and I think a good trait to further develop.
My parents are finally semi-supportive of my hopes and dreams. I don’t know what I want long-term, but I do know what I want short term. I want to regain myself from the rubble of Adelaide. Enrolling in my degree, picking electives that I’m genuinely interested in, working new jobs, going on endless interviews, dating around, meeting new people, joining new societies, starting new creative ventures, they all make me feel like I exist again. Maybe staying in Sydney is detrimental for my future, but I’m not going to have a future when I lose the present.
I’m really grateful. Not only for my sister and parents who I know only have my best interests at heart despite them not quite seeing eye to eye with me, but for my mates. Dear lord, I’ve been such a headache for the past couple of years and especially for the past couple of months. Without them, I don’t know what type of rash decision I would have done. I don’t know how quite how to put into words just how grateful I am to have such a solid support network, but all I can say is that I can spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them and it still wouldn’t be enough. (Side note: I’ve really got to get onto those gift baskets I’ve been meaning to give them).
They cared when I didn’t.
When I stopped responding one time, this friend messaged everyone they knew to see if they knew where I was. Me being the nutcase that I was, had my phone on ‘Do not disturb’ and didn’t realise what a nuisance I was being. She ended up driving an hour to find just give me a hug. And then to drag my sorry as to karaoke. LOL.
When I wanted to talk and then went MIA(dear lord I’m a walking embarrassment) another couple of mates gathered people to find me to chill out over pizza and much needed water. . And later when I was ready, let me cry and vent despite being a banquet feast for all them summertime mosquitoes.
When I was stranded in the middle of night, woke up and drove me to my destination. Shirt hurriedly thrown on, no questions asked, and even his mum offered me to stay at their place if it was easier.
They offered me insight. Offered me a place to stay. Offered me a shoulder to cry on, a warm embrace, gentle encouraging words for me to slowly build up my self worth again. Stopped me from making regrettable life decisions, from ruminating over negative memories, from running away. (For someone who’s terrible at cardio, I seriously don’t understand why I always pick flight over fight.). But seriously. it just makes me wonder why people put up with my bs half the time and what I could I have possibly done to deserve this unconditional love and support. ^_^
I guess I’m just very blessed cookie and I will never take that for granted.