I wouldn’t say I’m a particularly angry or vicious person.
Sure one of my more popular nicknames is ‘Grumpy Cat’ but that’s more attributed to the fact that I have resting bitch face and the fact I am rather grumpy at times. Pissed off, sure. But true anger? That’s much rarer.
But right now I can honestly say, I have never been this furious. This rage goes beyond words and screaming, it’s the slow burning resentment type. I don’t want to be that petty person, but I do not want to forgive and forget.
So what spurred this sudden development?
Some background information would be nice: My older sister and I are twelve years apart in age. She is singularly the one person I love the most in the whole world; my best friend, my pseudo mum, the one person I thought I could rely on and vice versa. Sure we’ve had our ups and downs throughout the years (increasingly so in retrospect), but we’ve always made up when we stopped being stubborn cows.
Welp, that’s over now.
As you would know, I’m going through a bit of slump at the moment. So right after I called my parents, I called her. It was a one minute conversation where she just pondered over the fact that they didn’t flip out on me (they didn’t initially), and thus again insinuated their bias towards me and hence how poorly they treated her in her time of need.
Fast forward a week and things are still not looking up. Out of sheer desperation, I ask if I could crash at hers for a while. Instead I get musings of ‘Lol, yeah remember when shit happened to me? .’ ‘I thought you said parents were doing well.’ ‘Don’t worry, things will be better when you get back on your feet.’
Look, I can deal with the lack of compassion. Not even a month as passed since our last tiff when she accused me of turning my back on her in her time on need, conveniently leaving out the fact that she emotionally blackmailed me into feeling guilty for choosing my degree over her, made me stay up with her hours on end on skype staring a black screen because she couldn’t fall asleep without someone there, spending all my spare time in Sydney with her to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid and ate regularly. I did everything in my capacity at the time to help her. I even failed my degree because of it but I didn’t say a word. It was worth it.
What I couldn’t deal with is the fact that she knew parents weren’t doing well. In fact right after I messaged her I found out that after I ended the phone call with my parents, my mother went into a mental meltdown. Feeling helpless, my dad recorded a bit of it and we-chatted it to my sister. My sister’s callous reply? ‘Why the f*** are you sending me this junk. I don’t want to see this. I told you this shit was going to explode in your face one day. I don’t care.’ That finally made me realise what a toxic person she truly is.
She will only help someone if it makes herself feel nice and useful. As soon as that balance tips, and she feels burdened, she will leave in a fit of rage. I’ve seen it happen time and time again with her friends, her romantic interests, and my parents. Every time I witness their heartbreak and I take my sister’s side. I don’t know why, but I did.
Have you ever seen that meme on Facebook where it says ‘Once you dislike someone, every little thing they do upsets you?’ Well, this incident broke the floodgates of resentment I thought I had moved on from. I started remembering everything; how she stopped talking to them because she didn’t know I paid for her birthday present with my own money and instead thought parents spoiled me too much, how she told my parents I was dating my ex when I explicably told her not to, how she manipulated fights between my parents and I, how she emotionally blackmailed me for years on end, how she beat me up for not answering a question using her method, how she almost got me kicked out of the only place I called home in Adelaide etc. etc. More importantly, how I’m taking the blame for how fucked up she is.
She fucked up her marriage. I get the blame for keeping that a secret from my parents. She wants the keys to her apartment back, I get in trouble for lying to my parents in order to get said keys back. She fucked up her HSC, I’m not allowed to take the same subjects as her. She skipped school often, I get 5 missed calls if my train was late by 2 minutes. She fucked up her financials, all expectation falls on me. She fucked up her relationship with my parents. I now get told on a daily basis that because I was born and my parents had to divert their attention from her to me, that’s why she resents them. And because now I’ve fucked up so badly, I’ve not only screwed them over, I took down their other daughter too.
She micromanages me so much and I never questioned how malignant that was. For instance, ‘Oh I deleted everyone that doesn’t positively impact on my life off Facebook.’ But neglects to tell me she didn’t delete my ex. Why? I don’t know. Or another, let’s go out for family boating session. I’m ready, parents are ready, but she tells both of us that the other party figures the weather is too hot and she should go shopping instead. I was ready, parents were packed, but we both didn’t realise and put the blame on one another. Every conversation I’ve ever had with her revolved around her. I tell her I’m depressed, the response was ‘Now you know how I felt and you turned your back on me’. Nice.
I never once complained because of the added pressure or anything. But only now do I realise how toxic my relationship with my parents is because of her. I do something wrong; your sister was right, we spoiled you too much. I do something right; it’s not good enough considering that we gave you so much and you still have so much to make up for. My whole life has been adjusted to compensate for her mistakes and yet I foolishly believed her when she says ‘I paved the way for you, you have it so much easier.’ Perhaps in some instances but overall? Hell to the fucking no.
(It might seem petty, but seriously, I could recount instances for days)
Well since we’re related and all, and she takes shit from me all the time, I’m going to take a leaf out of her book. She doesn’t benefit me in anyway so for the fore seeable future, i’m not gonna say one word.
[I know I need to edit this. The above is just mind dump]