A year of trying. A year of running. A year of lying.
A year I regret.
No matter how fast I was, it always caught up to me.
I’m trying to pinpoint the exact moment it all went wrong, but in the end it all comes down to one reason; I wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t there enough to help my sister. So she resents me.
I wasn’t present enough to maintain a relationship. So we broke up.
I wasn’t studious enough to pass my university courses. So I failed.
But the worst thing is, I just didn’t try hard enough. So my parents regret my existence and theirs as well.
There’s only so many times can someone who you’ve thought would never leave you does, and you start truly believing that you’re the problem. And I agree, I really am the issue at hand. Everything I’ve cared about, I’ve managed to f*** up beyond redemption.
This loss, this pain has a choke hold on me; every time I open my mouth to try and vocalise it, I struggle to even breathe.I’ve been chasing happiness but it’s only proven to be fleeting and unreliable. How do I begin to pick myself up? How do I even begin to pay for what I’ve done, when sorry definitely cannot cover it? How do I start, when I just want everything to end?
How do I choose between family and a future or happiness and disappointment?
The more important question, do I get a choice?
How do I even begin to make it up to my sister when we both hurt each other so deeply?
How do I even begin to try and admit to myself that I care about him more than I’d like to acknowledge?
How do I even begin to say that this degree that I wanted so badly has brought me so much pain and suffering?
How do I even begin to try and make my parents proud again and not worry them to the point where they’re bed ridden?
How do I cope with the fact that I single handedly ruined everything I hold near and dear to my heart?
I don’t want to hope or have expectations anymore as every passing failure just crushes my spirit. Each blow was dealt too close together in succession, and it just feels like my heart is getting ripped open at the fragile seams time and time again.
But how can I get better without hope? It’s a fucking vicious cycle and I’m so sick of it all. Everyday I wish I could have stopped breathing in my sleep as in my dreams there is no torment.
please, i just want it to stop hurting.